A Dad-to-Be Was Praying to Have a Girl, Until He Opened His Eyes

At 36 years old and having recently gone through a messy divorce I have remarried and my wife of three months is now pregnant. I move fast and seldom let that grass grow under my feet. This will be our first child for both of us, and as a member of the generation of men raised solely by women I was praying for a girl. Most of my buddies have boys and they all have turned out pretty well but my lack of what I perceived as “man knowledge” has put a fear in me of not being able to teach my son how to be a real man if she gives birth to a boy. My preconceived notion of what it means to be a man was drilled in me from a young age. My mother who had been married five times always choose alpha male, cowboy hat wearing, sweat for your paycheck men. They never stuck around very long so most of my childhood was spent learning what it was to be a man from television shows like the Dukes of Hazzard or MacGyver. I have often wondered what men who are raised by women do when they need an oil change, need to use a level to hang a picture, or want to mount a television on their wall…for me, I called a handyman and pride swallowed paid his $100 dollar an hour rate. Yet another failure as a man or so I thought …the reality is I am a skillful mate in nontraditional ways in that my wife would say I am an amazing cook, great with feelings and words, and even keep a tidier home than she would. The question begs though how can a man raised by a woman teach his son anything about being a “real man”?  This is what was keeps me up at night until I sat down and truly analyzed my situation. The notions that had been drilled into me by society, my mother, my stepfathers, my alcoholic grandfather were just ideas, and ideas are much easier to change than beliefs. I had to change my mindset if I was going to survive this pregnancy and fatherhood. Perhaps the perception and global shift in thinking of gender roles will save me from this fate if she does indeed deliver a boy, but at the time, I was still praying we have a little girl. I know how to do girl stuff in the traditionalist form and it is what I am most comfortable doing. Even as a young boy I would find myself drawn to soap operas on the television instead of the more macho wrestling or karate movies that were all the rage in the 80’s. I was always drawn to peer groups of girls and even now as an adult most of my close friends are women. I just never fit in with the “real men” and would often shy away from learning or trying new man stuff.  I felt like I would embarrass myself when I showed I could not even drive a nail properly. How does one attain such knowledge and how does one pass it on if it was never instilled in the first place? If I needed knee replacement I would go to a specialist but where is the specialist that can replace never learning to properly throw a spiral on the pigskin or tie a neck tie when you need it? There is a vast amount of men in the world today who are growing up with a loving, kind, and a good home run solely by a mother. Are those men are missing out on a vast amount of learning adventures that are cut short by fathers who are not in their lives? I intend to do my best over the next 9 months to learn the things that were not taught to me and become more of the man I wish I was. It is a pride swallowing experience when you are at the local hardware store and do not know which screwdriver or hammer to purchase to get started. While most men are worried about how a baby will change their lives, the money, the space, I spend my nights worrying will I raise another weak man who cannot fix a flat tire. What should be keeping me up at night, however, is how to teach my son to be self-sufficient, treat women with respect, and earn a wage that allows him to pay the mechanic to change that tire if need be. I am 36 and I have never had to change a tire so why has this thought loop plague my mind? It found a resting place in my insecurities of what defines me as a man. I have a loving wife, nice things, a career, and a passion for writing that keeps my mind active and aware. In the end, our thoughts become our world and I have had to radically change the way I think. Beating myself up for things I do not know is about as useful as a Philips head screwdriver on a flat head nail (see I am learning).